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Saturday, 22 October 2016

Alfie the Unicorn gets a Mate

Aah.  How sweet was that? Inspired by the presence at the Noah presentation yesterday of Alfie the Unicorn, at this morning's Pouring out of Beakers he was joined by Annie the Unicorn. Nice to know that he may have missed the boat, but he found love. Well done to Irenic and Ranulf for buying Annie for their daughter, little Calculi. We're going to have to order some more plush unicorns for the Beaker Bazaar!

Friday, 21 October 2016

Alfie the Unicorn Misses the Ark

What a lovely children's service we had today. Would especially like to say the portrayal of the story of Noah was charming.

Poor little Alfie the Unicorn-  forgot what day the Flood was, and left behind at the end as the Ark sailed off. Not a dry eye   I'm not sure if the Genesis account does include Alfie's bodily assumption into heaven. But if it doesn't, it ought to. I'm sure the Pope could sort something out.

And of course it was important that, just as the waves lapped at Alfie's feet, God intervened like that. Because it reinforced the message that there is always a happy ending, because we're worth it.

And Alfie was a real winner with the kids. A three-foot tall, plush unicorn with a winning look.  Makes you wonder how Noah could ever forget such a sweety.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Feast of St Frideswide of Oxford

Hnaef: I mean, really, do we have to?

Archdruid: Shut up, Cambridge Boy. We celebrated your lot didn't we?

Hnaef: Yes. Well, you remembered Cranmer...

Archdruid: There you are then.

Hnaef: You lit a bonfire...

Archdruid: Of course. That's what we do.

Hnaef: You don't think that was... a bit tactless?

Archdruid: OK-  it's St Frideswide's Day. Bit of respect?

Hnaef: So what did she do?

Archdruid: Search me. Something out Godstow way, weren't it?

Hnaef: You don't know what she did?

Archdruid: Not a Scooby. This is Oxford. We are the right-brained, cuddly university. Honey-coloured stone, dreaming spires, punting through the Parks on a hazy June evening, running the country.... we don't do logic and nerdism.


Archdruid: Don't know. Don't care. Have a tea light? And stop being so Cambridge...

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Melania Trump's Interview - The Subtitles

My husband, ten years ago, was recorded saying that he liked to sexually abuse women, and could get away with it because he was rich.

This is nothing like the man I know. After all, in those days he was just acting like an easily-led, boastful teenager. Whereas he is now 10 years older. Which must make him at least - what - 23?

The fact that all those women came forward, saying he did exactly the sort of things he said he did is a complete coincidence.

That he could be led to say stupid things by somebody so clever and devious as the least-bright member of the Bush family proves that he is easily led, and keen to impress more powerful personalities than himself. So none of this is his fault.

I'm sure there is no chance of him coming up against strong, devious personalities if he is President of the United States. So of course he should have the job.

Monday, 17 October 2016

Minutes of the Moot Meeting

1. The meeting started with the lighting of a tea light and a period of warm fuzziness.

2. Minutes of the Last Meeting: Charlii said that judging by the minutes, everyone had been on strong drugs at the last meeting.

3. Drayswulf suggested we revisit all the decisions of the last meeting as they seemed a bit radical. Eileen said why not, that's what we do every month after all.

4. Mission: Jesmir suggested some kind of Mission would be good. Everyone agreed. Eileen said we probably wouldn't want to do anything specifically Beaker as that would be implying we had something special worth sharing. Proposal: That we all have a bit of a think about Mission-  passed nem con.

5. The Flower Arrangers have annexed the Craft Cupboard. The Messy Church have pointed out that the Craft Cupboard is theirs. The Flower Arrangers claimed that the Craft Cupboard has been a part of their territory since 1749, and they have reinforced their claim with a number of drone strikes against the Music Group.

6. Eileen announced she has sacked the bell ringers. It was pointed out we don't actually have any bells. Eileen therefore announced an appeal to build a bell tower, with a three-year plan to sack the ringers after they have started.

7. The Committee to decide whether to move the tea light stand a bit reported back. They aren't sure whether to move it 6 or 7 inches to the left. Oznir asked whether they had considered moving it to the right. They hadn't, but will take it away and report back in the new year.

8. The Catering Committee asked whether, in the light of the Marmite embargo, we should switch to an alternative spread. A sub-committee was elected to consider possibilities such as jam, honey or marmalade.

9. The treasurer, Burton, said he was unable to give a report as the Invoices Shed has once again spontaneously combusted.

10. The Archdruid reported on her recent short fact-finding trip to Jersey.

11. The possibility of an ecumenical event with the Guinea Pig Worshipers of Stewartby was discussed and discarded, on the grounds that they're a bunch of "rodent-obsessed heretics who smell of straw."

12. The meeting ended with a fight at 2am.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

A Prayer in Remembrance of 1066 - With Specific Reference to the Celtic and Beaker Folk

Oh Lord, who looked over the Battle of Hastings and cast thy comet into the sky to terrify that useless get Harold.




I suppose you just expected us to light a few tea lights, play a bodhran and bear with it in thy divine mercy,

What is this germanocentric attitude to the world of the 11th Century that sees the whole thing in terms of a fight between a Saxon kingdom and a French one - when in fact the Normans were bloody Scandinavians and the whole thing was basically an interdynastic row between two bunches of Germans?

Have you forgotten what the Normans did to the Welsh? And the Irish? Those castles didn't just appear all by themselves. And Godwinson was just a jumped up yokel who was in the right place at the right time.

And then there was that whole "Battle of Stamfordbridge" thing. Didn't get its own collect. Presumably because the English won that one, so there was no need for liberal angst.

So we remember all those people who were already in the British Isles when the Saxons turned up - who were ignored by the Normans, the Saxons and - let's face it - the Church of England while God and his angels slept.

Whose side was God on? Not ours, if you ask the C of E.

Liturgy for Installing a WiFi Connected Printer

Archdruid: Have you pressed button A?

All: We have pressed button A.

Archdruid: And flasheth the blue light?

All: The blue light flasheth.

Archdruid: And who holdeth the router?

Router Bloke: I do.

Archdruid: Then press the button on the router, Router Bloke.

Router Bloke: All righty.

Archdruid: And can the laptop see the printer, Hnaef?

Hnaef: The laptop cannot see the printer. There is no vision of the printer. Bereft, the laptop wandereth the network and findeth not a printer.

Archdruid: Which button didst thou press on the router, Router Bloke?

Router Bloke: The On/Off button.

Archdruid: And hast thou now lost all light from the eye of the router?

Router Bloke: Indeed. The light hath fled from the eye of the router and it blinketh not.

Archdruid: Thou'st switched off the router, instead of pressing the Button of Connection. Thou great nerk.

Router Bloke: Indeed, I bewail my stupidities and shall cast myself on the ground in dust and ashes.

Archdruid: Or thou couldst just switch it back on again?

Router Bloke: Awake, O Sleeper!  And bind the devices of this house again together with thy WiFi.

Archdruid:  OK.  Let's try again. Have you pressed Button A?

All: We have pressed Button A.

All: Behold! For the printer now printeth.

Burton: No. That's just the test page. I was fiddling around...  I'll switch it off and back on again...

He presses the power button. 

The printer continues to print.

He holds the power button down. 

The printer continues to print.

Eileen may at this point utter some drastically unclerical expressions involving Burton and the printer.

Marston Moretaine pulls out the plug. 

The printer continues to print. 

Eileen pulls the fuses out of the fuse box, throwing the Great House, Moot House and the whole of Husborne Crawley into darkness.

The printer continues to print.

Three hours later

Hnaef: And so we commit this printer to the landfill, microchip to microchip, the casing which Eileen has so cruelly smashed with a cricket bat to dust, in sure and reckless disregard of the WEEE regulations....

Friday, 14 October 2016

Liturgy for a Clown Service (Revised Clowning Lectionary)


All: Aagh!  A clown!

All Exit


All: Aagh! A badger!

All run back into the Moot House

Clown: No I'm one of the.....

All: Aagh! A clown!

All Exit


All: Aagh! A badger!

Repeat as many times as a 1970s chorus when the worship leader works in a coffee bar.

1-coco the clown
What could be scarier than a stone clown in a graveyard?

By Theroadislong (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Liturgy for the Battle of Hastings 950th Anniversary

Hymn: The War Song (B. George)

The Holy Grove of St Bogwulf stands empty, the last shreds of mist melting in the sun's strengthening rays.

Afar off, a knell is rung softly.

The Incense Bloke burns the big pan of myrrh, filling the grove with a sorrowful essence of mourning and grieving.

A procession enters the grove - it is one half of the Beaker Folk, dressed as house carls.

Archdruid: There they are, Normans!  Get them!

Aldoue of Brittany: Who are you calling a Norman?

Archdruid: Breton low life!  Charge anyway!

The other half of the Beaker Folk tear into the grove, dressed as Normans (and one stroppy Breton)

Blows are exchanged with authentic replica weapons (rolled up newspapers) 

The Norman crossbowmen put in a withering barrage of Nerf darts.

The Saxons are driven from the field.

Albert Steptoe: 'Arold?

Harold: Not now, Farther. I have something in my eye.

Archdruid: And so the last successful invasion of England took place.

Hnaef: Apart from when the Dutch invaded.

Archdruid: The Dutch? Oh yeah, right.

Nigel Farage: And the Belgians.

Archdruid: Now you're just making it up.

Hymn: War (What is it good for?) (E. Starr - to "Stanford" in A)